Although cancer treatment can be trying, there’s a silver lining amidst it all. Not only do I get to witness God heal me physically, but I’ve watched Him mend emotional wounds I didn’t know I had until I sat still. Along with chemo, the Lord prescribed me His own treatment: prayer, praise, and doing His will daily. Part of that process involved forgiving myself and others. One of the people He asked me to forgive was my mom who fought her own cancer battle. She did this all while climbing the corporate ladder and mothering me the best she knew how. Sometimes I wish I could call her on the phone and ask how she managed it all. But through my own battle, God’s allowed me to feel emotions my mom rarely talked about. And out of that birthed incredible compassion and empathy.
Does forgiveness open the door to full restoration of physical health? Are they even related to one another?
Yes, absolutely yes.
If you don’t think bitter hearts are linked to illness, think again. This is not to say that unforgiveness is the root cause of sickness. We live in a fallen world where sin has given birth to curses—some generational. And even completely upright men and women of faith (i.e. Job) can experience sufferings. Their persistence through such will be used by God to give Him glory. But forgiving others can be the very thing that initiates the healing process. Three important points must be made to understand how forgiveness and healing are linked: (1) Unforgiveness is disobedience to God’s will, (2) Disobedience is sin, and (3) Sin removes us from beneath the covering of God’s protection.
Unforgiveness is disobedience
Forgiveness is an act of obedience to Christ. The following verses demonstrate that:
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25
“bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Collossians 3:!3
The aforementioned verses show that it isn’t God’s will for us to live with a bitter, unforgiving heart. In fact, that very bitterness can manifest into physical illness. Scientific studies even show correlations.
Disobedience is sin
When asked to define sin, most people, believers and nonbelievers alike, begin spouting out the 7 deadly sins—gluttony, lust, greed, pride, envy, wrath, and sloth. Some think sin is any activity listed after “thou shalt not” in the book of Exodus. But, what if I told you sin could be failing to witness to a neighbor about Christ after the Lord commanded you to? Or refusing to change locations after God told you to move? Sin transverses beyond the black letter law of the bible; it is anything that is outside the will of God.
Sin brings curses
Even though Father sent His Son, Jesus, our Lord to die for our sins and after receiving Him we have grace, even for the sins we commit today, we are not without consequences for our sins. Some believe we are no longer saved if our sin (transgressions) turns into iniquity (continuous, unrepentant sin), therefore committing apostasy. Others believe once saved always saved. That will be another blog post. However, we can probably all agree that continued sin opens us up to curses. Deuteronomy 28:15 says, “But it shall come to pass, if you do not obey the voice of the Lord your God, to observe carefully all His commandments and His statutes which I command you today, that all these curses will come upon you and overtake you.” The following curses are pretty severe including curses over our food, our land, our children. Yet, we can rejoice in the fact that our God is a merciful God, and once we become obedient to His Word, we will be blessed. (Deuteronomy 28)
I needed to forgive my mom.
Equipped with this knowledge (Thank you, Holy Spirit), what was I to do now?
Forgive, of course! A couple of people the Lord put on my heart to forgive where my mother and myself.
Here is that testimony:
My mother, a hard-working and tenacious woman, devoted her life to achieving greatness in male-dominated car industry. Even though I admired my mom’s ambition, I couldn’t help but feel second-place in her career. I spent many end-of-the-months curled up in the conference room watching Disney VHS’s, eating taco bell for dinner, while Mom pulled all-nighters to complete those ”last few deals.” I spent much of this time writing storyboards, crafting potions using bitter midday coffee, powdered creamer, and breakroom condiments. I appreciated the fact that my mom’s salary could pay for piano lessons, dance class, and a gated community, but some days I just really wanted my mom’s attention. At the time, I didn’t know how to quite express that into words so I resorted to whining, pouting, and anxiety attacks. I catapulted myself into school, thinking Dean’s List and scholastic accolades would win her over.
I just desperately wanted to feel “enough.”
My mom continued to sprint to the top even after a cancer diagnosis. She juggled motherhood, chemo treatments, and lengthy business meetings. We took well advantage of before and after school programs where I waited anxiously to hear the clickety-clacks of my mom’s high heels coming to pick me up. Today, I can articulate the emotion I felt the majority of the time—lonely. Yes, I had friends but nothing can quite replace the comfort of a present mother. I feel like I’m being a bit harsh as I write these words down, but I’m trying to help you grasp my slow descent into bitter numbness, carved by a spirit of unforgiveness that God has recently removed.
At 13 years old, not only was I lonely, but I was now scared. Is my mother actually dying? Is this more serious than she’s letting on?
I suppose its never easy to tell your child you have a terminal illness. But, the day my mom and dad sat me down, my mom letting out tears I had yet to see in my 13 years of life, I knew this was serious. This happened right before I got sent off to summer camp.
I believed in a God but I didn’t quite “know” Him. I pleaded for Him to make my mom better. Then, I attempted to negotiate.
“If you make mom better,” I’d say. “I’ll be the best daughter and student I could ever be.”
When my mom quit her job to go full-time hospice, I couldn’t help but think my prayers were falling upon deaf ears. I didn’t quite know how to pray or what promises were available to believers in Christ. Satan used that experience to weaken my faith and it’d be over ten years later I’d be willing to try to open up my heart to Jesus again. But by His grace, my faith is strong today.
Even though my mom was not at fault, I took out my anger with the situation on her. She didn’t deserve it, and I wish I could take it back. But, I understand that we all morph and grow and sometimes we deal with things in ways that don’t quite make sense.
My aunt would take me, my cousin, and a deck of UNO cards to visit my mom in hospice. Her voice was groggy, hands and feet swollen, hair falling out. Ellen DGeneres, her favorite show was playing in the background. I’d spend the entire time peering at the clock, asking my aunt when we could leave. My aunt prompted me to give mom a hug and I managed to give her a stiff, cold pat on the back. I had no tears, no compassion, just unbearable pain I didn’t know how to deal with. So, I stuffed it. I shut myself off—my toxic mechanism to spare myself from the hurt of losing her.
My dad told me I was the only one with dry eyes at mom’s funeral. I felt so detached from the situation; it was as if I was simply a character in a very bad dream. I was sullen, pale, and 30 pounds underweight. The whole thing felt like a blur. I just remember the freedom of releasing dormant butterflies upon to the Heavens in her honor.
It’d be years later before I final grieved the situation. I used various forms of distraction in the meantime. Often, I’d get asked, “Did you mourn the loss of your mom?” And almost always, I’d say,
“I don’t know.”
You see, no one really tells you how to grieve. And I’ve come to learn, everyone is entitled to their own experience. Every time a milestone hit, it’d be like, “Wow, I really wish my mom was here to share this moment with me.”
Not only did I need to grieve but I needed to forgive. I needed to forgive my mom for not meeting my expectations. My own battle with breast cancer became a platform for that very forgiveness.
In this way, God used a bad experience for good.
While having to respond to life’s demands while sick with nausea, fatigued from harsh drugs, and emotionally weary from the stress of it all, I grew a great compassion for my mom. Life doesn’t stop when you get cancer, it continues to go on as you’re forced to slow down . . . often leaving us feeling like we have to play catchup or work harder just to stay in the game.
In this respect, I felt feelings she most likely had but rarely talked to me about. Emotions that she didn’t want her 13-year-old daughter to see in an attempt to remain “strong.”
I wish I could tell her she was still strong even when she felt weak; it’s OK to feel weak. The Word says, “let the weak say I am strong.” (Joel 3:10). That’s because our breaking point is the perfect opportunity to rely on God. The Lord delights us when we humble ourselves and admit we cannot do anything without His help. And He’s ready to help us!
So, sometimes forgiveness looks like this.
Other times, it can happen instantly if we allow the Lord to open our hearts and heal us. Remembering how He forgave us for the most wicked sins is helpful. He loved us even when we mocked Him, even when we rejected Him.
So, how can we not extend that same grace to our neighbor?
Thank you for reading this blog post. Praying the Lord heals every wound in your heart and enables you to forgive others. God bless.
