When I encountered Jesus, my heart was willing to surrender SOME of my life to Him. Yet, some things I still had myself convinced my judgment was supreme. One of these was my romantic relationships. For two years, the Holy Spirit told me to separate from my partner and for two years, I suppressed that voice in rebellion. During that time I got angry with God, I tried to bargain with God, and, sadly, I rejected God when I realized I had to choose between Him and a man.
But by His grace, God continued to knock at my hardened heart. He pursued me in my sin, leaving the 99 just for me.
When I finally opened my heart up to God, again, I was unmarried, cohabitating, and unequally yoked. The bible says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14. I knew it was wrong. So, I begged God to save this man NOW. I begged Him for a ring. I looked around at other recently saved couples. They used to be unmarried, living together, then one woke up to the knowledge of truth of Jesus and one led the other to Christ. Then they were both married. So simple, so easy.
That wasn’t my story.
Shortly after having a baby, living a comfortable life in her father’s home, God told me to move.
I searched in vain for scripture to validate my current lifestyle. I couldn’t find anything. I wavered in my decision, called several people and prayer lines to make petitions for me, and tried to reason with my own flesh. I tried to simply ignore the strong urgency to leave, but as I got closer to God the voice got louder, the conviction stronger, and the discomfort with staying where I was at even more agonizing. I realized this was, indeed, the Lord speaking to me.
“But, I’m comfortable here, God. How will I pay for that? Don’t You see that I’m living off of student loans? I have a six-month old daughter. . .”
All excuses. None of them convincing to an all-powerful God.
Don’t you trust me, daughter?
People called me nuts and foolish. The man wanted to take me to the mental institution.
But, I knew I heard from the Lord. And when you hear from the Lord, you better listen. Because when I stand before Him, those naysayers are not going to be there. It is going to be just me standing before my God giving an account for this very decision.
That’s conviction.
My flesh fought my spirit. The enemy brought strife and confusion.
That’s when my prayers changed. Instead of praying for God to meet my demands on my time schedule, I prayed for a spirit of obedience. I prayed for Him to prepare a place for me to live.
He answered me.
I had just walked up to the altar and surrendered my life to Jesus. I met a woman on the salvation team who I began calling and opening up to. I told her about my dilemma, how I felt God tell me to move but that I didn’t know where to go. She told me she had a room for rent in an apartment just a few minutes away from the church. She never pressured me. She just told me to pray.
So, with little in my bank account and a mustard seed of faith, I packed up my stuff and I moved out right after I finished my last final. Oh yeah, did I say all this happened during LAW SCHOOL FINALS? That’s the thing about God’s timing—it’s usually not “convenient.”
And during this loooong season of singleness, I grew bitter with envy. I got impatient with God.
I had to let it go. I had to surrender to His will and trust His judgment is better than mine. I had to understand that He knows the desires of my heart and wants to grant them but on His time and in His way. The devil tempted me with all sorts of lies—“You betta act ‘cause you’re getting old.” “You betta act ‘cause you might lose the man that’s for you.” All subtle ways to convince me to jump ahead of God. All subtle ways to get me to settle for anything less than God’s best. All subtle ways to make me doubt God’s perfect will.
So, instead of moping around feeling sorry for myself (I did this for a little bit first tho ;)) I said OK God and I started putting Him first. I reached inward for the pieces of my heart I had foolishly tried to hoard for myself and I laid them down at the altar.
“Take it all, God,” I finally said.
It was in those beautifully broken moments of submission, I felt the most free.
I could have settled for comfort. I could run back with fear and doubt. But, instead, I took the lowly road and pursued an incredibly uncomfortable season, because obedience to the Lord is worth far more to me than anything this world can ever offer me. I learned that God wanted to teach me something. He wanted to show me that I didn’t need a person to complete me. All I need is Him.
That wasn’t the last time the Lord asked me to choose HIM over the lusts of my flesh, my own desires, and worldly security. I get tested daily. But, my choice will always be God even if that means struggling here on this earth. Because one day, this world will pass away and all I will have in Him. So, no, I’m not ashamed. No, I’m not scared.
I will honor this waiting season. I will honor it by going to continue growing my relationship with the Lord. This is essential because, if not, when we receive the blessing of marriage, we can turn our spouse into an idol and let it take us out. God is ensuring this doesn’t happen. Meanwhile, He is pruning me to be a wife. I’ve taken this season to acquire domestic skills I didn’t learn as a child. Cooking, baking, cleaning, hosting, gathering. I never really valued these skills or took the time to diligently learn them until now. Further, I am learning intangible skills—how to be patient, humble, and submissive. In that way, I will be a blessing to my husband. I had to unlearn many things society and my circumstances thought me about marriage and the role of a wife. I had to grow up spiritually.
The Proverbs 31 woman seemed so unattainable. Yet, I am becoming more like her every day.
Therefore, I say thank you God for the waiting. I will worship and praise You because Your ways are higher than mine and You are getting ready to bless me in a bigger way than this world ever could.
